HOW I CORRECT MY STUDENTS' SCRIPTS

Here is a task for students:
Level: high intermediate- upper intermediate

J-14 is a magazine for teenagers and they are organizing a competition. They are going to choose the ‘Writer of the Month’ and the winner will get 5000 TL. You want to join to this competition. Write a PARAGRAPH about ‘My ideal girl/boyfriend’ in 130-150 words.

In your paragraph mention these points:

·         What is he/she like?

·         What does he/she look like?

·         What do you want to do with him/her in your free time?

Here is a sample answer:

I imagine that my boyfriend is loyal and honest. Because Honesty is a virtue. So honesty is very important to me. Besides I should trust him. He should be trusted man. Then, He should be a determined person. That is he would rather he decides for anything than I decide. That is he should direct me. As I am very undecided. My imaginary boyfriend should appreciate me. He should give value me even if he does not love me in a crazy love. And... He should not be selfish. On the contrary he should be thoughtfull. He should be calm.He should give peace me. Because I need to peace....Finally,I can not know when I will fall in love with whom....So, they are my imagines....But my imagines may not realize......

Here is my feedback to the student:

1. SCORE FOR TASK ACHIEVEMENT: 4

JUSTIFICATION:

·         You wrote a semi-formal paragraph which is polite and consistent in its style.

 ·         However, of the three content points only one of them is included: What is he/she like? ADD THE OTHER TWO CONTENT POINTS: What does he look like? / What do you want to do with him in your free time?

·         You elaborate on only one of the content points: ‘What is he like?’ ADD AND ELABORATE ON THE OTHER CONTENT POINTS

·         The layout is appropriate for this kind of task.

·         The closing section is inadequate ‘So, they are my imagines....But my imagines may not realize......’ =YOU MAY WANT TO CHANGE IT. Or PARAPHRASE IT.

·         Word limit is between 130-150 words = no problem with your word limit.

2. SCORE FOR ORGANIZATION (COHERENCE& COHESION): 4 (out of 10)

JUSTIFICATION:

·         You should use reference: It establishes a link between a sentence or between two or more sentences. For example: Instead of saying:  ‘I saw a dog yesterday. The dog was black.’ You should say ‘I saw a dog yesterday. It was black’ = (It refers back to ‘a dog’) AVOID REPEATING THE SAME WORDS. In your paragraph: ‘I imagine that my boyfriend is loyal and honest. Because Honesty is a virtue. So honesty is very important’ = USE REFERENCE INSTEAD = DO NOT REPEAT THE SAME WORD OVER AND OVER AGAIN= IT DISRUPTS COHESION.

·         You use linking devices: (because, so, besides, then, that is, as, and, on the contrary, finally, so, but): DO NOT OVERUSE THE LINKING DEVICES= IT MAKES YOUR SCRIPT ARTIFICIAL.

·         TRY NOT TO START A SENTENCE WITH ‘BECAUSE/ AND = INFORMALLY THEY MIGHT BE OKAY. IN YOUR CASE, YOU DONT NEED TO START A SENTENCE WITH THEM.FOR EXAMPLE: ‘He should give peace me. Because I need to peace.’= PARAPHRASE IT. DO NOT START WITH BECAUSE.

·         ‘Then, He should be a determined person’ =INCORRECT USE OF THE LINKING DEVICE. ‘THEN’ IS USED TO SHOW TIME: ‘We drank coffee and then we left (CORRECT USE OF THE LINKING DEVICE)

                                     Or:

§  Then is used to say what happens next or what you do next: For example: Mix the flour and butter, then add the eggs. = (CORRECT USE OF THE LINKING DEVICE)

§  WHEN YOU TRANSLATE YOUR SENTENCE IN TURKISH, IT MAY SOUND CORRECT, BUT IN ENGLISH IT SOUNDS AWKWARD= CHANGE IT.

·         ‘That is he would rather he decides for anything than I decide. That is he should direct me.’= REPETITION OF THE SAME LINKING DEVICE = CHANGE ONE OF THEM or PARAPHRASE YOUR SENTENCES or COMBINE THEM IN ANOTHER WAY. PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR PUNCTUATION: That is (,) he would.....

·         BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR PUNCTUATION: ‘On the contrary(,) he should be thoughtful’

·         ‘Because I need to peace....Finally,I can not know when I will fall in love with whom....So, they are my imagines....But my imagines may not realize......’ = DO YOU ACTUALLY NEED ALL THESE (......) ?? = DO NOT OVERUSE THEM(.......)

·         ‘That is he should direct me. As I am very undecided.’ = YOU DO NOT NECESSARILY HAVE TO START A SENTENCE WITH ‘AS’ HERE. = COMBINE THESE TWO SENTENCES.

·         BE CAREFUL WITH CAPITILIZATION = IT ALSO DISRUPTS COHERENCE: ‘Because Honesty is a virtue’ or ‘Then, He should be a determined person’ = CHECK AND CORRECT YOUR CAPITIZATION MISTAKES AGAIN.

·         ‘thoughtfull’ = IS THIS THE CORRECT SPELLING? CHECK YOUR PARAGRAPH FOR SPELLING MISTAKES AGAIN

3. GRAMMAR:

           JUSTIFICATIONS FOR GRAMMAR: 7 (out of 10)

·         Correct use of simple present tense, future (will) and ‘should’ = APPROPIATE FOR THIS TYPE OF TASK.

·         Should is overused = TRY TO USE SOMETHING ELSE INSTEAD OF ‘SHOULD’. For example: I’d rather a man who..... / I prefer / It’s better.... ./ must..etc.

·         ‘He should be trusted man’ DO YOU NEED AN ARTICLE HERE? A/AN?

·         THERE ARE CLUMSY BITS: (1) ‘That is he would rather he decides for anything than I decide.’/(2) He should give value me even if he does not love me in a crazy love = PARTIALLY DISRUPTS COMMUNICATION = PARAPHRASE IT= BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR GRAMMAR:

(1)   He would rather or you would rather? Than you decide or that you decide? CHECK THE EXAMPLES, AND HAVE A LOOK AT SOME GRAMMAR BOOKS =REWRITE YOUR SENTENCE: I’d rather go by car./  I’d rather not go out tonight/ I’d rather (someone) +v2 =present/future meaning. Ex: I’d rather he went by bus.

(2)   ‘LOVE ME IN A CRAZY LOVE’ = OR IN A CRAZY WAY? LOVE YOU CRAZILY?

·           BE CAREFUL WITH PREPOSTIONS: ‘He should give peace me.’ = HE SHOULD GIVE ME PEACE or HE SHOULD GIVE PEACE TO ME. / ANOTHER EXAMPLE: ‘GIVE ME A DATE or GIVE A DATE TO ME’

·           ‘Because I need to peace’ = OMIT ‘TO’

4. VOCABULARY: 8 (out of 10)

JUSTIFICATIONS FOR VOCABULARY:

Regarding your level:

·         Relevant vocabulary choice

·         Variety of adjectives are used

·         ‘As I am very undecided.’ = ARE YOU UNDECIDED OR INDECISIVE? CHECK THE MEANING OF THESE WORDS

·         ‘But my imagines may not realize......’= WRITE A FULL SENTENCE = IT IS NOT A PROPER ENDING. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CONTEXT (SENTENCES, WORDS) TO UNDERSTAND WHY YOU USE ‘REALIZE’ THERE?

·         ‘So, they are my imagines’ = WRONG WORD = CHANGE IT

5. Communicative function:

 If you were the editor of J-14 magazine, would you give 5000 TL to this paragraph? 5pts. (out of 10)

IN TOTAL: 28 x2 = 56pts.

ALL IN ALL, THIS IS A GOOD PARAGRAPH AND MEETS MOST OF THE CRITERIA.

READ THROUGH THE COMMENTS, AND MAKE THE NECESSARY CORRECTIONS.

As teachers obviously we may not always have the

time to give our students a detailed feedback.

However, at least trying to do it from time to time

shows that you are taking writing seriously. And yes

it does make a difference in their perceptions

of writing.