‘A company has announced that it wishes to build a large company near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.’
Student's script and my corrections:
A company (your tone is very strict, you should sound milder, it would be better to say: A company generally have….. which might distract the people living close ……) always has (have) lots of bad aspects which distract the people who live near it.
I live in a place where which (I live in a place. It is covered with lots of trees.= I live in a place which is covered with lots of trees) is covered with lots of trees that make us breathe easily.
Grammar reference: Which/where:
- That’s the restaurant. We always have dinner there/ in that restaurant = where
- That’s the restaurant where we always have dinner.
- That’s the house. We bought it last year. = That’s the house which we bought last year.
- That’s the house. It was very expensive= That’s the house which was very expensive.
- In subject and object position= which
- There/in that place/in that restaurant /etc= where
Corrected one: If a company is launched there, we will probably be prevented to live in nature. Although it may offer many jobs for unemployed or newly graduated people, I believe building something like that near my community may have a lot of disadvantages such as; noise …………..
Topic sentence is weak: You should let the reader know that you are going to talk about 'noise' It disrupt your coherence SERIOUSLY =The reader is not with you... you have to be very precise and clear
Primarily, I live in a place where you can see lots of nature natural masterpieces which make you feel the environment. (coherence problem)For instance, Especially, birds make you so relaxed that you won’t want to hear another voice. (you may need further elaboration here= It helps you unite with nature.)
On the other hand, if there is a big company near my neighborhood, (comma!!!) you I( I or you? decide) will suffer from the noise that carries on all hours in a day even at midnight. Hence you won’t rest also or sleep. However you may move another place because of this continuing noise. Therefore, that isn’t a good idea at all. (That’s the place where you eventually say it is the noise)
Then, there will be a bad landscape due to that enormous building. The place I live in is famous for its picturesqueness that inspires of writers and artists by attracting them to come there. It will not be justice to destroy that view to supply some people to make profit. Additionally, you can’t bring back this view if you found a company. Hence everyone should reconsider (what?) before destroying this area. Did you mean: Hence people should reconsider building a company here before destroying the natural beauties of this area.
Finally, there will be much pollution because of this company. Not only the whether will be dirty but also our water and environment will be polluted because of their waste. For instance,
although they settle a filter not to emit the???( COHERENCE problem) poison(NOUN YOU NEED THE ADJ FORM) gasses there will be rubbish (=wrong word)which they won’t deal with. When we research the all companies , (comma) we can realize that none of them use a filter to save the community who live near there. This sentence should be at the beginning= COHERENCE problem...Maybe something like that would be better:
Finally, there will be much pollution because of this company. Not only the weather will be dirty but also our water and environment will be polluted because of their waste. For instance, there will be industrial or chemical waste and they will not be able to deal with it.
Moreover, even though they might settle a filter to emit the poisonous gases, it is a high possibility that it will fail to work because when we research all companies, we can easily realize that most of their filters fail to work efficiently, which leads many disasters.
To sum up, although there are other places to found a company like non-manned places, it is depressing to select my hometown. I ensure that people who live my hometown won’t let them to achieve their desires that cause only disaster. (yeni bişi soyleme concluding te) Anyone can’t stand living in nosy places, in pollution(polluted) fields or seeing bad scenes. As a result, they should even have a meeting not to permit them to destroy those beauties. DO NOT SAY NEW THINGS IN THE CONCLUDING SECTION
(There are too many sentences starting with the linker ‘although’ ..plz use other linkers)
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